/ i'm al /

i’m at a loss with this blog. i don’t think i know what to write about on here anymore. it seems like this open space that i’ve had for so long. it seems like a lost space, an honest space, and space where i’ve shared a lot of personal details. except i’m not sure if i want this space anymore. i think i want something more open. something more honest. something more empowering.

i’ve realized something

i’ve known for quite sometime that i do not need people. while my family and friends are all very important people to me, and people who i cherish deeply—i am not a person who needs another human in order to feel complete.

i envy people who are family driven. i envy those who openly say that their family is “everything” to them. there are days where i wish i felt this way too. connection, and love, while i often tell myself i tend to avoid, are two things i’m highly intrigued by. i like learning about romance, i like hearing about different families, and i like listening to people talk about their soul mate(s).

i know i’m a little bit different from the rest. that’s not news to me. i know i think about the world in a very different, and somewhat dark way. i know that i thrive off of being alone; but i also know that there’s someone out there who was created just for me.

you see, i believe in the idea of a soul mate.

i’m looking for someone who knows that they want me and were created for me. i’m looking for someone who will take every ounce of my need to be alone and throw it out the window. i’m looking for someone who is highly confident, driven and no where near as sensitive as me. i’m looking for someone who doesn’t let me question if i need them or not. i’m looking for someone who doesn’t let me curl up alone with my feelings. i’m looking for someone who doesn’t let me hang up the phone, or walk away when i’m annoyed. i’m looking for someone who’s able to look past my flaws.

{i believe in you}

this entire year has been full of tiny steps. my steps are so small that they often don’t feel like a real full step–more like a miniscule shuffle. and then i’ll stay at the same point for many, many days, weeks, and sometimes months without feeling like i’m progressing at all.

and this is how my life has gone for the past 10 months.

it’s incredibly frustrating. i like to see progress. i like moving forward. i like getting places. i want to improve.

and you know for a while, i have been improving. a lot. but it’s days like today, where i’m forced to type to you from my bed, when i have to cancel my spin class, and when i can’t go outside because i’m just too weak–it’s days like these where i become incredibly sad.

on good days i push myself. really, really hard. i do more than the average person because i am so sick of lying in a bed, watching my life pass by. on good days, i go for 10 km walks, take 1 hour intense spin classes, get all my work stuff done before 1 pm, go for a run around the park, eat all my health foods, drink 3L of water, see friends, socialize. i do it all because i am so terribly afraid of days like today—days that i cannot do anything at all.

i’m proud of myself, i am. and perhaps you’re a little like me where you also struggle with taking breaks. maybe the thought of lying in bed all day makes your head hurt. maybe you feel that you aren’t doing “enough.” i hate that feeling. i hate that i feel and worry about the fact that i may not be doing “enough.” because what is enough? i understand that rest days are important, but it’s hard for me to embrace and accept these days. days like today make me want to give up.

i hope you are more gentle with yourself than i am with myself today. i hope you know that a rest day is not a bad day. a day of lounging in bed does not make you a lazy human being. at this time, i am still learning to be kind to myself. i am still learning that self care does not always have to imply “doing it all.” self care does not have to mean you take the day off the put on a fancy face mask, have a hot shower, steam your face, paint your nails, and do all the things to enhance your outer appearance. self care can be about doing nothing at all to enhance yourself. self care can be lying in bed, staring at the wall infront of you, crying your eyes out and wondering where you went wrong. self care doesn’t have to be pretty. not moving forward does not mean you are not making progress, and a little step—or even a miniscule shuffle—is still a step forward.

becoming the hermit

during the most powerful tarot read of my life, i was told that over these next few months i’d be learning how to embrace my inner hermit. i was told that i was deeply resisting the need to take a step back, sit quiet, and relax. now i know this stems from my illness and the challenging year i have had. after going from couch, to bed, to hopsital bed, to couch once more for nearly 7 months it is incredibly difficult for me to rest and relax now that i have the choice NOT to rest. so much of me just wants to go go go and do all the things without stopping to remember that the very reason i became so sick in the first place was having this mindset.

my taro reader explained to me that these next few months will be full of quiet times. hard work is ahead, but many moments of peace. i think the hard work will entail me becoming comfortable with becoming and embracing my inner hermit. i feel it already. i feel the work that’s ahead, but i also feel a deep sense of inner peace.

it is difficult right. very, very difficult. this entire year has been the most powerful year i’ve had yet. i’m unsure of what’s ahead, and moving back home has been hard to wrap my head around. to put back my clothes in my childhood closet was emotional–all i could do was cry as i hung up my shirts and dresses. i never thought i’d be putting my things back in that room. i thought i’d be out of this city forever and always. but you see, there’s a bigger plan for me, one that i hadn’t planned for myself. these quiet times in my hometown are propelling me forward and getting me to where i’m called to be. but right now, i need to be here. and with every new day, all of this will become easier to accept.

leaving

there have only been a few times in my life where i have been presented with a life altering set of choices. the first one happened when i decided to drop out of school three years ago and move to toronto. that was the best decision i ever made.

the second time it happened was when i decided to leave the bakery i worked at for nearly two years. it was so, so hard for me to leave that place because it was a place that i truly became comfortable with who i was. i felt accepted, loved, and i gained so many amazing friendships that i still have today. but there came a time where i realized that working in a bakery was not the lifestyle i wanted to live. working around sugary foods made me exhausted, and i felt mentally drained every single day from “avoiding temptation.” it’s when my eating and relationship with food became very unhealthy and i began to hate my body. i became completely addicted to sugar and felt awful about myself, but i’d continue to eat left over cinnamon buns for breakfast. i knew i had to leave.

and one day, i found myself writing in a health cafe near my apartment that had just opened up a few months prior. it was such a beauitful space and i felt so good there. i sent the owner my resume and cover letter and before i knew it i was offered a job. everything felt so right, but i was incredibly reluctant to leave my bakery job. i was afraid to have to learn new skills, make new friends, and start at the bottom again. but after day 1 working at that place, i knew i had made the right choice. and looking back, i am still so happy that i switched jobs.

and a couple weeks ago, i was faced with my most difficult decision yet. i have mulled over the thought of moving back to kitchener here and there throughout the years, but never really thought i’d do it, and i never told anyone that the thought even crossed my mind. because moving back to kitchener would equal defeat. i’d be a failure. i worked so fucking hard to get to the place i’m at now, why would i EVER throw in the towel and go back home?

well things really changed when i got sick. and i don’t want to sound like a broken record, but i’m a very different person today than i was in december of last year. i’ve learned so much about myself, and i’ve learned that no matter what choice i make, i will never be a failure. getting so sick showed me that.

it is no secret that i struggle with making small decisions. but when it comes to the big stuff, i think i really know how to trust my instincts. my entire soul was screaming “YES” when i asked myself if i should move back to kitchener. it was my brain that kept me questioning.

when i first moved to toronto, i said i’d think about my living arrangements again after three years. i thought i might move to vancouver, or somewhere else in toronto. and i guess i was right when i gave myself that three year timeline because that’s how long it’s been now. i can hardly believe it.

i am so confident with this decision and that makes me so incredibly happy. this is not giving up, this is not failing. this is the right choice.

creating space

my home has always been something i cherish. something i crave, and something i need. i strive to be the girl who can jump off and travel the world, live out of her suitcase and not root down. and while i have dabbled in this way of life before, i do not think it is the life for me.

you see, being able to find your home in a house, an apartmenet building, a codo, a backyard, a city, or under a bridge, may just be one of the most beautiful parts of life. it takes time to call something home. more than just a couple months, for me, it takes years. and after living in the same apartment for 3 years, i can honestly, and fully say that this place feels like home. while it is nothing fancy, it lacks air conditioning, and there is nothing modern about the building, to me it’s pure perfection.

i know this place isn’t forever. i know that one day i’ll have to set myself free and go off in another direction. but for now, this space is everything to me. i hope you’ve found your home too.

the very temporary bird

i’ve been this girl before, and i have been this girl often. it seems to me, that the boys i desire, which come far and few between, only are interested in me for a matter of weeks. i find it interesting because while i have strived to entertain, to be exciting, to laugh and to be so much more than i need to be for anyone, these boys always seem to lose interest in the end. and in a few weeks time, they’re back with their ex girlfriend, or just dating someone new all together.

and i’m not sure what it is about my personality that draws in so many temporary roses. why am i looked at as the girl who isn’t serious–that’s what i would like to know. but then i’ll question other things about my life and wonder why i won’t pay any attention to the boys who actually want to get to know me. why i brush off the ones who call me in the middle of the afternoon, and why i’ve told so many good souls that i’m just “not looking for a relationship right now.”

but for the temporary ones, i’m always ready. and it’s the temporary ones that i put so much effort into, only to watch them leave a few weeks later. perhaps they’ve learned that i am too much. too this, or too that, and not enough of something else.

i don’t want to be the fun girl before the serious girl. but i’ve found myself in this same situation a handful of times and it’s an “issue” that i don’t know how to fix. because i shouldn’t have to change my ways for someone. i shouldn’t have to feel like i’m not enough, or too much. i shouldn’t have to worry about what to say, or how to feel. and i shouldn’t have to think of myself as someone who is just temporary.

it seems so sad, to me.

i’d like to say something

i haven’t written in a couple weeks, and it’s mostly because i’ve been doing pretty well. and when i’m doing well emotionally, i tend to stray from the activities that got me to feeling well–strange, isn’t it? it’s as if i’m cured and free forever from everything that i’ve thought, my demons, and my fears.

but always. always; when i stop doing things like writing, exercising, eating well, and taking time for myself, i fall down. i’ll hit a wall, all my old thoughts come back, negativity envelops me, and i feel like i have to start over again.

it is so god damn frustarting to be your own worst enemy. i am so painfully aware of every negative act i do. i am so painfully aware of every horrible person that i place in my life. and i am so painfully aware of my laziness and lack of self control. but i can’t stop myself. i feel like i’m forever running in circles, facing the same nightmare each and every time.

i have been praised for my “resilience.” this is laughable to me. i am not resilient. i am so fucking far from being resilient and you must know this. yes, i have been through something terribly horrific, but please know that i am exremely affected. i may just be a good actor some days, but i am always thinking of what happened to me. and while therapy has helped, while yoga has made my body feel stronger and less in pain, and while i have wonderful friends and family; i am unable to walk away from my past. i am unable to stop thinking about laying in a hospital bed, a tube in my throat. i am unable to shake the feeling of not being able to talk, move, or eat for weeks. i am unable to shake the feeling of not remembering two weeks of my life and suddenly waking up in a new year having felt like i died and was sent back to earth. i am unable to let go of the doctors and nurses words, telling me to wait “one more day” for the tube to be removed.

just because someone has been through something difficult does not make them strong or resilient. truth be told, i don’t think resilience in humans is something that exists. it is impossible to go through a traumatic event and walk about acting as if the event didn’t taint your soul at all.

maybe one day, years from now when this is all over. maybe one day i’ll be able to say that this made me tougher, stronger, more resilient to OTHER things, but THIS. what i am facing right now, i am not resilient to. i am actually quite broken from it.

you’re just all talk

a lot of us say that we want change. a lot of us say that we want to do better, or be better. but i think very few of us actually will follow through with what we say, or believe.

you see, there is this god awful thing called self sabotage and i am the queen of it. or i used to be the queen, maybe now i’m just the princess, and hopefully one day i won’t be anything that has to do with self sabotage. it really is a terrible, terrible way to go through life.

i used to tell myself that i wanted to be happy. i used to tell myself that i wanted freedom, to be less selfish, to be a better, nicer person, and i used to tell myself that i cared about the person that i was. but i didn’t. i only really ever cared about myself half the time. and the other half of the time i was doing things that would only pull me further and further away from the person i was trying to become. because do you really love yourself if you sit on the couch and stuff your face with greasy food? do you really love yourself if you hookup with a different person every weekend just so you can be told that you’re worthy? do you really love yourself if you push yourself at the gym 7 days a week and skip dinner at night? do you really love yourself if you ignore your friends and family and anyone good that comes into your life, only to entertain the people that don’t give a shit about you? do you really love yourself if you say yes to things that your soul is screaming no to? do you really love yourself if you can’t appreciate how far you’ve come?

it’s not about having self control. or discipline. it’s about trusting and valuing yourself enough to rid your soul of all its demons. it’s about knowing that you ARE worthy of reaching your goals and you DO NOT deserve to live a life full of suffering and self hatred. why are you so hard on yourself? why can’t you see how wonderful you are?

so let’s stop sabotaging ourselves. let’s stop pretending we want more to life and actually put in the work so we can become the person we dream of becoming. i have chosen to step off the self sabotage train, and i hope you choose this too. because that train is going no where.

i want to tell you, and myself perhaps, that i have hated my body at 142 pounds. 135 pounds. 137 pounds. 132 pounds. 126 pounds. 124 pounds. 115 pounds. and 107 pounds. self love isn’t born out of a number on a scale. self confidence isn’t created from another person telling you that you’re “perfect,” and personal growth doesn’t happen if you fight with yourself every single day. if you cannot accept yourself today, for whoever you are right now, and for whatever you look like in this moment, you will never. ever. find happiness within.